Review of “The Ultimate Self-Help Guide to Shadow Work” by Kim Woods

I knew I had a plethora of what I used to call “hang-ups” from how I was raised. I realize that my parents did the best that they could, which is generally true of most, but doesn’t mean that there aren’t scars. Big ones. In fact, reading this book I recognized many of the mistakes I made with my own children! And I also found a few I didn’t even realize were there.

Which was a good thing.

While I recognized these “shadows,” thanks to numerous self-help psychology books I’ve read over the years, I’d allowed them to still rule my behavior. They had a voice of authority I couldn’t ignore and still believed at the unconscious level.

The good news?

Somehow this great book gave me permission to set them aside at last! And that’s really saying something since I’m currently 78 years old!

Without talking down to you, the author explains shadows in very understandable language with lots of quotes from research to back it up, but without bogging down the information. She is definitely qualified to write such a guide and has a gift for bringing it down to a lay person’s level and not slowing it down with citations that the average person reading it won’t care about. I particularly liked the quote from Carl Jung that said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” While I’d heard it before, I didn’t know it was Jung and its message is always a good reminder when someone gets on your last nerve.

The layout is easy to read and the “Reflection Prompts” at the end of many sections are very helpful. I originally read the book on Kindle Unlimited but I intend to buy the paperback because it will be easier to track and refer to as I continue to work on this.

I highlighted so many parts that it would probably constitute a copyright violation is I included them all here. One that really hit home said “You claim someone is arrogant, but secretly you’re afraid to own your confidence.” This also relates back to the Jung quote. People who are overly confident have always annoyed me and made me feel inferior. No doubt this shadow originated from being told “Don’t be a show-off” and “It’s impolite to brag” or “People won’t like you if you’re bossy.”

Not helpful when you’re an independent author uncomfortable blowing your own horn, right?

I typically back away from contention or arguments because I was always told I was “Just a stupid kid” plus my father’s nickname for me was “Nuisance.” I was never allowed to be right are rarely acknowledged. My parents undoubtedly went with the adage “Children should be seen and not heard.”

I think that “stupid kid” moniker motivated me to get a physics degree at the age of 39 to prove I wasn’t. Did I feel smarter with that B.S. degree in hand? No. Smarter after working for NASA for 21 years? No.

The section on emotional needs that went unmet made me cry, they were so familiar. Even at my age! Go figure. The reflection prompt for that section said, “Think back to a memory from childhood where you felt misunderstood or unloved. What did you need to hear in that moment? What would it feel like to say those words to yourself now?”

You know what? It felt damn good!

The statement, “Maybe your parent was critical, emotionally unavailable, perfectionistic, or simply overwhelmed” applied to both my parents as well as myself, who unfortunately picked up many of the bad parenting habits I was raised with. That’s the sad part, that these mistakes live on in subsequent generations. I’d really tried not to do that, yet fell into it too easily.

I have definitely been defensive as a result of these shadows as well as also wielding projection, all active for sure for most of my life. It’s comforting to know there’s a way to get rid of all these negative messages lurking in your unconscious mind that drive inappropriate behavior. The author’s emphasis on ditching the guilt trips and replacing them with self-compassion and forgiveness for being human, which enables you to move on, is so much more effective.

I could go on and on, but I’m sure this is already long enough for you to get the idea that it was very helpful. No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to “get a grip” and leave these self-defeating behaviors behind. This book definitely helped me already, but I plan to use it as a course of study to get rid of as many as I can. This book deserves to become a best seller because I believe it can help millions of people who are not reaching their potential because of being lost in their shadow. Many thanks to the author for her help in cleaning up some old messes holding me back.

Your can pick up a copy on Amazon Kindle Unlimited, Kindle, or Paperback

P.S. There are numerous books on the subject, but this is the only one I’ve read, which I can obviously vouch for.